the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
