why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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