Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Randomize
