This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
