i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
