you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
