She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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