When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
