Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
