Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
