just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
