I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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