When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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