Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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