can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Is Oprah even human
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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