God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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