there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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