I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
