After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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