I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
