I wannas sexs uuuuu
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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