My Higher Power is John Stamos
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
