awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
