True but thats because hes a fetus.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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