I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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