y did u give ur computer a hand job?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
