I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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