I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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