worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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