He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
