that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
worst night to have a conscience
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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