he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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