Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
