just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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