Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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