the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
