Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize