if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
