i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
where are you?
Hypothermia
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
