so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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