If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
