Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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