he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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