So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
