Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
