where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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