I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
