dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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