the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
