I think my fart just growled at me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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