no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
