My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
