he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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