Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize