i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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