somebody snuck up and got me drunk
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
