Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
