If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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