I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
