i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
