I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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