Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just high enough for therapy.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
