I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
