i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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