That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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