I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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