In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
