Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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