Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
